You know your washed up at 30 right? I remember like it was yesterday being told that because I was turning 30, I was over the hill and no real man would want me. If you get to 35 then dudes will think something must be off about you.
As I pulled myself off the floor I was hit with this wave of anxiety and disappointment. Over the years I was groomed to be a mule. You see from a very young age I had to provide for myself and often told that unless I had money no one would want me to be it, friend or lover, by my family.
I don’t share that for sympathy but to paint the picture of how grooming happens early on. I worked tirelessly from age 8 from mowing yards in the blistering Texas heat, being a maid, to working retail. Now, most of my friends worked so they could have blow money for hair and nails, but I was financing my family household from keeping the lights on amidst having to forgo prom, providing gas money, and buying groceries.
All through my school years, I was chubby. Not having that aesthetically appeasing physique led to me throwing myself into my studies as a way to be seen. I was praised for my scholastic abilities and told just you wait you will be the boss. I worked and pined for collegiate recognition, however falling short due to depression.
Postgrad, I aspired like many 1st generational students to find a lucrative role and be able to climb the ladder of success. In my head, my many nights of poverty and lack would be a thing of the past. I worked hard, you know the normal stay late, come in early. Always going the extra mile. Within that, I noticed many of those who I graduated with had sauntered into nice roles but also some were able to have the freedom to pursue creative passions.
Finally one day it dawned on me that all my workhorse efforts had manifested into nothing. The scale was high, I looked old and worn, dressed frumpy. I didn’t take pride in my appearance as I felt that was for those girls and I wasn’t her. I felt I had work to do so my success would vindicate me. Some man would sweep me off my feet and give me a happily ever after.
The reality no man was looking in my direction. I had picked up many masculine habits and had a chip on my shoulder of letting a man know I was strong and fierce. But as the years passed and I hit 30, it dawned on me, I got it wrong.
As a woman, your looks are your virtue. It’s not nice to hear, and it may even invoke certain feelings of animosity. For me I was never told growing up to drop the weight, to fix up before leaving the home. I did the basics but I didn’t invest in myself as I was always working towards being validated.
In your 20’s you have your youth, energy, and vitality.
Now, what about those in their 30’s? You now may be saddled with debt, a full-time job with adult expenses. You may not have the energy you once had because of years of carrying around extra weight and a lot of learned behavior to make it.
I share all this to say, you’re not washed up if your in your 30’s and you’re not living the reality you desire. You have shown the ability that you can learn and execute. That is a great thing as it means you can unlearn habits that aren’t benefiting your life and learn new ones. My goal with this blog will be to share tips, inspiration and my journey on how you can level up at 30 and beyond!